Weekend Seminolhatchee Open Comments

Ladies and gentlemen (or whatever you people are), we are at the dawn of a new era. We are witnessing the birth of a new ethnic group, a new oppressed minority that will need special set-asides to ensure that they can grab the brass ring that is prosperity in America.

Soon, Kwanzaa will be out, replaced by an equivalent holiday, Seminolhatchee(?), that will be made up. Central to the celebrations will be the erection of a chikee, or open-air hut, made of upright poles and a roof of palmetto thatch. The chikee must be decorated with colorful lights and hanging beer cans. Crackers show the depth of their devotion by how long after the close of celebration they leave the chikee and its lights in their front yards. Decorating their trailers and shacks is also encouraged.
Like most similar holidays, Seminolhatchee will feature family gatherings, beer drinking, vocal arguments, and tears of sorrow, followed by tears of regret when they make up with each other, then bittersweet tears where they bid each other fond farewells until the next year.
Other traditional activities include the getting of the main dish, where some of the menfolk venture forth tho a local swamp or river in an attempt to secure fish or alligators. Other men venture to neighboring cracker villas to seek the bounty their neighbors have left outside for all to enjoy. Meanwhile the cracker wimmins scour the local highways and byways for fresh victims of traffic incidents.
While dinner is being prepared, the contest for the head of the table begins. Traditionally, this would have been some sort of contest relating to cracker life, such as who could catch the biggest fish or shoot the most squirrels. More recent innovations have focused more on the battles within the family for the put-up foods. Most noteworthy among these is bobbing for pig’s feet.

Other contests might include beer drinking and pickled egg eating. Even the kids are encouraged to participate in age-appropriate events.