The sequester took effect at 11:59:59pm last night, unless there was some huge breakthrough.
What does this mean for all of us little people?
Fortunately for us, the nice people at Despair, Inc. have created a FAQ to help us make sense of the calamity set to befall us.
If you’re like us, you just can’t get enough news about the upcoming “sequester,” because you only love news stories that manage to be both mind-numbingly boring and crushingly depressing. But you might not understand what’s actually going on this week in our nation’s capital. That’s because (a) you’re not supposed to, and (b) nothing the federal government does makes any sense, at all, ever.
So what is this sequester thing, anyway?
The sequester refers to a series of sweeping federal budget cuts that will automatically go into effect on March 1. It’s taking place because the government is — to use the technical economic term — “broke-ass.” This also explains why the credit agency Standard & Poor’s recently downgraded the USA’s credit rating from “AA+” to “scrub (also known as a buster).”
So, what basically happened was the Congress and Presidents over the years made lots and lots of promises to people. They paid for these promises by whipping out the plastic or going down to the local loan shark, Max Money, and got a loan. Now that even good ol’ Max is threatening to cut us off, our wonderful government is quickly running out of good ideas for a really simple solution that will fix these problems, without actually doing anything about the causes thereof.
So how did we end up in this position?
We elected a bunch of idiots. That’s the short answer. The long answer: the American Taxpayer Relief Act of 2012 provided for automatic budget cuts to happen on March 1, in order to give the government more time to come up with a compromise on the budget. The sequester was meant to be something so horrible and destructive, that the government would have no choice but to come up with a better plan in the weeks following.
We all know that the simplest and best solution would be to simply reverse course on the promises made over the years, but that wouldn’t let our elected representatives show us all how incredibly smart and clever they are, so they come up with more and more solutions that mask the problems without actually fixing anything.
I know what you’re now thinking.
“How will these cuts affect the wagonburner?”
How will these budget cuts affect me?
God, it’s always about you, isn’t it? Here’s our impression of you: [in obnoxious high-pitched voice] “Me me me me me me me me me!” It’s getting really tiresome.
Sorry, I just –
No, we’re just screwing with you. The sequester will cut a great deal of money from countless government programs. (I mean, they’re not, like, literally countless. We’re just too lazy to count them.) If you’re unemployed, for example, your benefits will likely be cut.
Well, luckily, I have a job.
Yeah. Just wait a couple weeks.
We all know what the true cost of this mess is.
We all further know what needs to happen to begin to fix it.
Because at some point…
In the meantime, here’s something to keep in mind that may or may not help.
