Hambone v3.0

Weekend Build A Story

Let’s try a different game this week. A while back, the crazy one tried, with moderate success to get you people to build a story paragraph by paragraph.
Let’s bite off smaller chunks. We’ll go one sentence at a time. Rules:

  1. One sentence at a time
  2. After you submit a sentence, another player must submit before you may submit again.
  3. Try to maintain at least a minimal flow (i.e. no complete non-sequiturs).
  4. Granny Hamous is watching – do not disappoint her.

I’ll give you a start.
“In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains.” (Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms (1929))

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wagonburner

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  1. texanadian Avatar
    texanadian

    Where we shot elk from the front porch with our 45-120 Sharps rifle.

  2. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    Where we shot elk from the front porch with our 45-120 Sharps rifle.

  3. Katfish Avatar
    Katfish

    Come to find out later in life,the were only elk when viewed through the fog of an early-morning six-pack of Colt 45’s.

  4. wagonburner Avatar
    wagonburner

    Come to find out later in life,the were only elk when viewed through the fog of an early-morning six-pack of Colt 45’s.

  5. Tedtam Avatar
    Tedtam

    Over the years, the elk seemed to grow shy of our little abode.

  6. Tedtam Avatar
    Tedtam

    Over the years, the elk seemed to grow shy of our little abode.

  7. Dooood Avatar
    Dooood

    And, man, were we surprised when the elk started shooting back.

  8. Texpat Avatar
    Texpat

    And, man, were we surprised when the elk started shooting back.

  9. Tedtam Avatar
    Tedtam

    After ducking and running, we called out to “the elk,” and to our surprise, they called back!

  10. Tedtam Avatar
    Tedtam

    After ducking and running, we called out to “the elk,” and to our surprise, they called back!

  11. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the horizon.

    The lead Elk invited us to join their herd, but we declined with the explanation that we were already Freemasons or belonged to the Knights of Columbus.

  12. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Suddenly a pirate ship appeared on the horizon.
    The lead Elk invited us to join their herd, but we declined with the explanation that we were already Freemasons or belonged to the Knights of Columbus.

  13. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    Not to be discouraged, the head honco Elk said they were a peaceful herd and had no species intolerance except for carnivores large enough to threaten them, so mere human members of fraternal organizations were no obstacle to friendship.

  14. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    Not to be discouraged, the head honco Elk said they were a peaceful herd and had no species intolerance except for carnivores large enough to threaten them, so mere human members of fraternal organizations were no obstacle to friendship.

  15. Darren Avatar
    Darren

    But to our surprise, the head honcho Elk removed his head mask revealing himself to be a wolf in Elk’s clothing

  16. Darren Avatar
    Darren

    But to our surprise, the head honcho Elk removed his head mask revealing himself to be a wolf in Elk’s clothing

  17. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Suddenly, from the dense sugarcane, a strikingly beautiful woman on horseback came crashing into the clearing.

  18. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Suddenly, from the dense sugarcane, a strikingly beautiful woman on horseback came crashing into the clearing.

  19. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Having survived the crash, the woman strode up to the wolf in elk’s clothing who unsuccessfully attempted to strike her merely on the pretext of her apparent beauty.

  20. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Having survived the crash, the woman strode up to the wolf in elk’s clothing who unsuccessfully attempted to strike her merely on the pretext of her apparent beauty.

  21. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Her thin blouse, drenched in sweat, her horse covered with lather, she rode
    over to me, a long, thin, black stogie hanging from her mouth and said, “Gotta light?”

  22. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Her thin blouse, drenched in sweat, her horse covered with lather, she rode
    over to me, a long, thin, black stogie hanging from her mouth and said, “Gotta light?”

  23. gtotracker Avatar
    gtotracker

    Either Shannon or the wolf began howling.

  24. gtotracker Avatar
    gtotracker

    Either Shannon or the wolf began howling.

  25. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    In a distinct, lovely Southern drawl, she said, “How the hell do you grow sugarcane in elk country?”

  26. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    In a distinct, lovely Southern drawl, she said, “How the hell do you grow sugarcane in elk country?”

  27. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    “It’s easy” I said. “The elk eat all that sugar and get so hyped up that they run around all crazy like, then they fall over in exhaustion.”

  28. El Gordo Avatar
    El Gordo

    “It’s easy” I said. “The elk eat all that sugar and get so hyped up that they run around all crazy like, then they fall over in exhaustion.”

  29. Katfish Avatar
    Katfish

    Meanwhile, I asked the woman on horseback if she was game and on her affirmative answer, I shot her.

  30. wagonburner Avatar
    wagonburner

    Meanwhile, I asked the woman on horseback if she was game and on her affirmative answer, I shot her.

  31. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    [well, that figures. Now y’all can write the sci-fi, robot, time travel, War of the Worlds, warlock fantasy you were headed for]

  32. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    [well, that figures. Now y’all can write the sci-fi, robot, time travel, War of the Worlds, warlock fantasy you were headed for]

  33. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    But she was realy an alien shape shifter as was the horse, and they both morphed into the landscape and disappeared.

  34. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    But she was realy an alien shape shifter as was the horse, and they both morphed into the landscape and disappeared.

  35. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Their sudden disappearance left us with the Elks and other fraternal orders and ” a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains;” it was going to be quite a summer.

  36. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Their sudden disappearance left us with the Elks and other fraternal orders and ” a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains;” it was going to be quite a summer.

  37. texanadian Avatar
    texanadian

    Little did we know that it was going to be a long hot summer and due to all the elk farts, let alone uncle Charley and his pinto beans, we had serious “Global Warming” causing our river to dry slam up!

  38. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    Little did we know that it was going to be a long hot summer and due to all the elk farts, let alone uncle Charley and his pinto beans, we had serious “Global Warming” causing our river to dry slam up!

  39. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    And thus the salmon were unable to swim upstream that year, so the bears went hungry, until they noticed edible people in the towns and villages.

  40. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    And thus the salmon were unable to swim upstream that year, so the bears went hungry, until they noticed edible people in the towns and villages.

  41. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    So then the hue and cry went out to capture and move all the bears over the mountains to see that they could see about dinner.

  42. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    So then the hue and cry went out to capture and move all the bears over the mountains to see that they could see about dinner.

  43. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Slim trotted by and said, “This herding bears gig really sucks, man.”

  44. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Slim trotted by and said, “This herding bears gig really sucks, man.”

  45. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    Then Slim said “You know Hurricane Shelia Jackson Lee Debby is about to demolish the Gulf Coast of Texas once again, and you would think the powers that be would be more interested in herding the sheeple to safety than fooling with these goofy bears.”

  46. El Gordo Avatar
    El Gordo

    Then Slim said “You know Hurricane Shelia Jackson Lee Debby is about to demolish the Gulf Coast of Texas once again, and you would think the powers that be would be more interested in herding the sheeple to safety than fooling with these goofy bears.”

  47. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Slim’s partner Virginia, looked at Slim rolled her eyes and rode past him up the mountain trail while muttering under her breath about Slim’s inexplicable interest about those who live on the mud flats.

  48. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Slim’s partner Virginia, looked at Slim rolled her eyes and rode past him up the mountain trail while muttering under her breath about Slim’s inexplicable interest about those who live on the mud flats.

  49. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Then the demons came out of the liberals and went into the bears, who all went sliding down the steep face of the mountain and into the lake where they drowned.

  50. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Then the demons came out of the liberals and went into the bears, who all went sliding down the steep face of the mountain and into the lake where they drowned.

  51. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    Then she looked at Slim and said “You know Slim, if we took these hungry bears down to the coast we wouldn’t have to worry about people leaving because of the pending doom of the hurricane – some of them at least might figure out that it’s best to leave rather than being eaten by a hungry bear.”

  52. El Gordo Avatar
    El Gordo

    Then she looked at Slim and said “You know Slim, if we took these hungry bears down to the coast we wouldn’t have to worry about people leaving because of the pending doom of the hurricane – some of them at least might figure out that it’s best to leave rather than being eaten by a hungry bear.”

  53. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    The bears were released in New Orleans as the hurricane approached, but rather than flee inland, many of the NOlians crowded into a sports stadium and waited for Obammy to rescue them — but where was Obammy?

  54. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    The bears were released in New Orleans as the hurricane approached, but rather than flee inland, many of the NOlians crowded into a sports stadium and waited for Obammy to rescue them — but where was Obammy?

  55. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Meanwhile, back at the house in the village on the river, Virginia was making breakfast for Slim, who loved watching her piddle around in one of his old, long tee shirts.

  56. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Meanwhile, back at the house in the village on the river, Virginia was making breakfast for Slim, who loved watching her piddle around in one of his old, long tee shirts.

  57. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    Obammy was on an extended golf vacation, but upon hearing that he was actually needed to make a decision or something, he returned, and after much discussion, it was decided that rather than sending drones in to destroy the bears he would just send Michelle down there to serve as bait, and then once the distracted bears were in pursuit of Michelle, Nancy Pelosi would jump out from behind a bush and scare them all to death.

  58. El Gordo Avatar
    El Gordo

    Obammy was on an extended golf vacation, but upon hearing that he was actually needed to make a decision or something, he returned, and after much discussion, it was decided that rather than sending drones in to destroy the bears he would just send Michelle down there to serve as bait, and then once the distracted bears were in pursuit of Michelle, Nancy Pelosi would jump out from behind a bush and scare them all to death.

  59. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    “What are we going to do about that crazy woman next door and her saxaphone playing at all hours of the night?” asked Virginia,

  60. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    “What are we going to do about that crazy woman next door and her saxaphone playing at all hours of the night?” asked Virginia,

  61. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    Just a Virginia bent over to check the biscuits in the oven, the T-shirt rode up her back and Slim suddenly realized that he was face to face with another ……can’t go there……

  62. El Gordo Avatar
    El Gordo

    Just a Virginia bent over to check the biscuits in the oven, the T-shirt rode up her back and Slim suddenly realized that he was face to face with another ……can’t go there……

  63. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Realizing the dearth of subtlety on the internet, a gloom of sadness settled over the entire village.

  64. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Realizing the dearth of subtlety on the internet, a gloom of sadness settled over the entire village.

  65. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    A gloom of sadness broken by the sudden announcement of the imminent marriage between a bear and an elk, for up till now bears could only marry bears and elks could only marry elk; although the Knights of Columbus and the Freemasons had been bumping uglies for years.

  66. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    A gloom of sadness broken by the sudden announcement of the imminent marriage between a bear and an elk, for up till now bears could only marry bears and elks could only marry elk; although the Knights of Columbus and the Freemasons had been bumping uglies for years.

  67. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    And speaking of “bumping uglies”, whatever that is, the villagers realized there was a nasty troll in their midst, so they staked it down under a bridge and then bricked it over.

  68. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    And speaking of “bumping uglies”, whatever that is, the villagers realized there was a nasty troll in their midst, so they staked it down under a bridge and then bricked it over.

  69. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    And then another troll showed up and was bricked over, and then another, soon only Virginia and Slim were left unbricked in the village and eyeing each other nervously.

  70. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    And then another troll showed up and was bricked over, and then another, soon only Virginia and Slim were left unbricked in the village and eyeing each other nervously.

  71. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Reading the wedding anouncement to her, Slim peered over the top
    of the paper and remarked, “Well at least it isn’t two bull elks setting up housekeeping; even the animal kingdom can keep that straight.”

  72. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Reading the wedding anouncement to her, Slim peered over the top
    of the paper and remarked, “Well at least it isn’t two bull elks setting up housekeeping; even the animal kingdom can keep that straight.”

  73. bob42 Avatar
    bob42

    At which point, two gay bears wearing clown suits and singing show tunes fabulously asked, “Have you people ever heard of paragraph breaks?”

  74. bob42 Avatar
    bob42

    At which point, two gay bears wearing clown suits and singing show tunes fabulously asked, “Have you people ever heard of paragraph breaks?”

  75. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    “Aha!,” cried Virginia ignoring the happy bruins and the haunting refrain of Oklahoma; “I knew it! You are a troll!,” as she advanced menacingly towards Slim, a pointing trowel in one hand and a full hod in the other.

    [End of Chapter 1]

  76. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    “Aha!,” cried Virginia ignoring the happy bruins and the haunting refrain of Oklahoma; “I knew it! You are a troll!,” as she advanced menacingly towards Slim, a pointing trowel in one hand and a full hod in the other.
    [End of Chapter 1]

  77. texanadian Avatar
    texanadian

    “Interlude”
    Leave it to the resident Troll to high-jack the story and screw it up,…Sigh

  78. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    “Interlude”
    Leave it to the resident Troll to high-jack the story and screw it up,…Sigh

  79. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    During the intermission, TT will play sax while GJT spins plates on sticks.

  80. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    During the intermission, TT will play sax while GJT spins plates on sticks.

  81. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Mharper will provide belly dancing.

  82. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Mharper will provide belly dancing.

  83. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Bob was going to do a one act play about the oppressed, but he’s too stoned.

    Come on, someone start Chapter Two.

  84. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Bob was going to do a one act play about the oppressed, but he’s too stoned.
    Come on, someone start Chapter Two.

  85. Katfish Avatar
    Katfish

    On the seashore, an elderly couple out for a walk found a large whale lying on the beach with a cryptic “Ishmael wuz here” carved into its side.

  86. wagonburner Avatar
    wagonburner

    On the seashore, an elderly couple out for a walk found a large whale lying on the beach with a cryptic “Ishmael wuz here” carved into its side.

  87. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    A crazed old man with a wooden leg darted out from behind the whale, cackling maniacally, then clutched his chest and fell to the sand.

  88. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    A crazed old man with a wooden leg darted out from behind the whale, cackling maniacally, then clutched his chest and fell to the sand.

  89. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    [My sincere apologies, I didn’t believe a new chapter would be so disruptive]

    Prying the chest from the wooden legged man, the elderly couple attempted to open it and discovered it was locked.

  90. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    [My sincere apologies, I didn’t believe a new chapter would be so disruptive]
    Prying the chest from the wooden legged man, the elderly couple attempted to open it and discovered it was locked.

  91. Dooood Avatar
    Dooood

    When the 30.06 round ricocheted off the helmet of village magistrate, Manuela Schmidbauer, as she rode her 1965 Ducati Sebring motorcycle on the main boulevard, she could only think, oddly, of her Leni Riefenstahl portrait, an extremely rare artwork bequeathed by her uncle, Klaus Nomi; while villagers immediately suspected the culprit to be Schmidbauer’s nemesis, Ned Feldstein, local plumbing contractor, Klezmer musician and former Seal Team Six member.

  92. Texpat Avatar
    Texpat

    When the 30.06 round ricocheted off the helmet of village magistrate, Manuela Schmidbauer, as she rode her 1965 Ducati Sebring motorcycle on the main boulevard, she could only think, oddly, of her Leni Riefenstahl portrait, an extremely rare artwork bequeathed by her uncle, Klaus Nomi; while villagers immediately suspected the culprit to be Schmidbauer’s nemesis, Ned Feldstein, local plumbing contractor, Klezmer musician and former Seal Team Six member.

  93. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    ………………..

    Hearing the ricocheting bullet strike the whale with a thunk, the elderly couple threw down the chest and ran from the beach, never to return.

  94. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    ………………..
    Hearing the ricocheting bullet strike the whale with a thunk, the elderly couple threw down the chest and ran from the beach, never to return.

  95. Dooood Avatar
    Dooood

    Despite abundant contradictory evidence, local prosecutor, Derek Smolder, filed 17 charges of animal cruelty (including whale murder) against the elderly pair, Maude and Paul Kettle, while Schmidbauer refused them bail and remanded them to custody, relishing the thought of granting life sentences and removing two more from the Medicare rolls while providing a thrill for her lover, Nadine, the state Medicare health services administrator.

  96. Texpat Avatar
    Texpat

    Despite abundant contradictory evidence, local prosecutor, Derek Smolder, filed 17 charges of animal cruelty (including whale murder) against the elderly pair, Maude and Paul Kettle, while Schmidbauer refused them bail and remanded them to custody, relishing the thought of granting life sentences and removing two more from the Medicare rolls while providing a thrill for her lover, Nadine, the state Medicare health services administrator.

  97. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    Since the town council had rigged the whale with dynamite as it’s only apparent means of disposal of the poor beast, the timer had been set for Sunday night; however, the 30-06 bullet was a direct hit on one of the many ignition caps, and kaboom, up went the whale in a million pieces, only to be followed by what could only be described as “rotten whale blubber rain” all over the town.

    Note here for visual: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIlKxaEIFDk

  98. El Gordo Avatar
    El Gordo

    Since the town council had rigged the whale with dynamite as it’s only apparent means of disposal of the poor beast, the timer had been set for Sunday night; however, the 30-06 bullet was a direct hit on one of the many ignition caps, and kaboom, up went the whale in a million pieces, only to be followed by what could only be described as “rotten whale blubber rain” all over the town.
    Note here for visual: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIlKxaEIFDk

  99. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Funded by the Main and Kilbride Institute, the Kettles were represented by the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe and were acquitted on all accounts because the prosecution was unable to assemble the evidence necessary to convict.

  100. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Funded by the Main and Kilbride Institute, the Kettles were represented by the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe and were acquitted on all accounts because the prosecution was unable to assemble the evidence necessary to convict.

  101. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Seventeen government agencies agreed the whale beached itself to die of old age, but still the President shut down indefinitely all beaches in America.

  102. Shannon Avatar
    Shannon

    Seventeen government agencies agreed the whale beached itself to die of old age, but still the President shut down indefinitely all beaches in America.

  103. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    Meanwhile back at the ranch, the elk and bears called a truce and divided the territory between them, bears getting the mountains and trees and upland lakes, elk getting the valley grasslands and streams and trees, separated by a neutral zone in which each species must enter unarmed.

  104. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    Meanwhile back at the ranch, the elk and bears called a truce and divided the territory between them, bears getting the mountains and trees and upland lakes, elk getting the valley grasslands and streams and trees, separated by a neutral zone in which each species must enter unarmed.

  105. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    And in the village, Virginia and Slim came to the realization that silly name calling was merely a juvenile means of coping with ideas that upset their worldview; and quickly unbricked the entombed citizenry.

  106. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    And in the village, Virginia and Slim came to the realization that silly name calling was merely a juvenile means of coping with ideas that upset their worldview; and quickly unbricked the entombed citizenry.

  107. gtotracker Avatar
    gtotracker

    Seething with rage at the imperialist oppression by their larger cousins, the wolverines and mule deer formed an alliance and plotted rebellion.

  108. gtotracker Avatar
    gtotracker

    Seething with rage at the imperialist oppression by their larger cousins, the wolverines and mule deer formed an alliance and plotted rebellion.

  109. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    The raccoons said “Aw, to h3ll with this” and swam out to a deserted island to get away from the ideological chaos that had inexplicably overtaken their wilderness.

  110. mharper42 Avatar
    mharper42

    The raccoons said “Aw, to h3ll with this” and swam out to a deserted island to get away from the ideological chaos that had inexplicably overtaken their wilderness.

  111. gtotracker Avatar
    gtotracker

    The Elks annexed the island and levied property taxes.

  112. gtotracker Avatar
    gtotracker

    The Elks annexed the island and levied property taxes.

  113. Hamous Avatar
    Hamous

    Meanwhile, as the @ssaholic trolls were being released from their brick prisons, the bears waited nearby ready to pounce on an easy meal; unfortunately this soon stopped because after they had attempted to eat the first troll, it was discovered that they all taste like $#!t because that is what they are full of.

  114. Bonecrusher Avatar
    Bonecrusher

    Meanwhile, as the @ssaholic trolls were being released from their brick prisons, the bears waited nearby ready to pounce on an easy meal; unfortunately this soon stopped because after they had attempted to eat the first troll, it was discovered that they all taste like $#!t because that is what they are full of.

  115. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    The raccoons said, “This sucks,” and joined the wolverines and mule deer.

  116. Adee Avatar
    Adee

    The raccoons said, “This sucks,” and joined the wolverines and mule deer.

  117. Dooood Avatar
    Dooood

    After the elk, raccoons, wolverines and mule deer have sated their appetites in the village square, the real bosses arrive, Napoleon and Snowbama, porcine tyrants of the first order, who declare amongst the the animals that: “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others” just as Derek Smolder kicks in the door and declares martial law.

  118. Texpat Avatar
    Texpat

    After the elk, raccoons, wolverines and mule deer have sated their appetites in the village square, the real bosses arrive, Napoleon and Snowbama, porcine tyrants of the first order, who declare amongst the the animals that: “All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others” just as Derek Smolder kicks in the door and declares martial law.

  119. gtotracker Avatar
    gtotracker

    Looking at the non-native porcine invaders demanding nay, not equality but the right to rule, the collective herd and assembly of predators pause…..

  120. gtotracker Avatar
    gtotracker

    Looking at the non-native porcine invaders demanding nay, not equality but the right to rule, the collective herd and assembly of predators pause…..

  121. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    …snicker, and pounce in unison; only to discover that there is nothing there but empty suits.

  122. El Gordo Avatar
    El Gordo

    …snicker, and pounce in unison; only to discover that there is nothing there but empty suits.

  123. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Because they never really existed except in stories told around campfires to frighten the children and the dim witted.

  124. shamaal Avatar
    shamaal

    Because they never really existed except in stories told around campfires to frighten the children and the dim witted.

  125. Super Dave Avatar
    Super Dave

    FIN
    (Can’t let Chamois have the last word)

  126. El Gordo Avatar
    El Gordo

    FIN
    (Can’t let Chamois have the last word)

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