I do not know why this thought crossed my mind, but as I was exiting a local store today, I had a sudden, painful flashback to a time when I witnessed something that resembled a water buffalo tightly encased in black Spandex®. Walking behind this woman as her thighs and buttocks rolled to and fro, her cellulite moving in almost hypnotic patterns before me, I wondered yet again what people see when they look in their mirrors.
The Bible states that there is a season for everything, as in “a time to sow and a time to reap”. Well, that applies to things other than farming, as well, such as “a time to wear miniskirts and a time to damn well cover it up”! I am sorry to be so judgmental and cruel, but I think I am doing a public service by asking certain people, especially women, to ask their husbands to hide all knives, frying pans, forks, and all other objects that can be used as a weapon to either make holes in their bodies or smash certain parts flat, and then ask them “Should I wear this?” And I beg certain people, mostly husbands but also wives, to be brutally honest and say, “Honey, I love you just the way you are, but wearing that outfit in public scares young children and will prevent you from ever running for any kind of public office, and I’d hate for you to limit yourself that way! Please let me burn it in an environmentally safe way, so as not to pollute the neighborhood!”
Ever since synthetic fibers were made and spandex® – I suppose I should use a trademark thingie, since I believe it’s a trade name – Spandex® made its debut, those bipeds who hold their physique in high esteem have been using it to highlight their physical charms. This is great as long as the charms haven’t succumbed to age, weight, or gravity. However, when those forces act on the body, they don’t have the same action on the eyes nor the brain, so the continued use of Spandex® continues well beyond its effectiveness, rather like leaving fruit on the tree beyond its maturation date. With much the same effect. As much as I don’t like looking at rotted fruit on the ground, I try to avoid dangerous uses of Spandex® much more. What is more dangerous than 200 pounds of buttock flesh encased in something similar to a sausage wrapper meant to hold in 50? It can only be that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder – in this case, the Spandex® wearers. They are suffering from a medical condition known as Spandex® blindness. Bless their hearts.
What is the age beyond which Spandex® should be worn? If you can answer “yes” to any of these questions, then you are beyond the Spandex® age:
- Do you have children? Then either your figure is shot or you’ll embarrass them. Hang up the Spandex®! Do it for the children!
- As you wear Spandex® and walk down the street, do you hear retching behind you?
- As you wear Spandex® and walk down the street, do you hear giggling behind you?
- Do you hear faint mooing sounds as you shop?
- Are your thighs in danger of setting of fire alarms as you walk? Do they rub?
- Is your waist measurement greater than Shaquille O’Neal’s foot length (both feet added)?
- Men, in the above, add six inches because (and get your heads out of the gutter!) men always measure where they wear their pants, not where they SHOULD wear their pants!
- Do young children stare at you when you wear Spandex® in public? Do they cry?
- Be honest – when you put on your Spandex®, do you have a sudden urge to go to SeaWorld®? Or the zoo?
- As you walk, is the back of your thigh still moving from the last step when you are halfway through the next?
- Are there any flapping or slapping sounds as you move around?
- Are members of the opposite sex making obvious attempts to keep their eyes either focused above your neck or do they look off to the sides when talking to you?
- Do you break a sweat putting on your Spandex®? Does installing Spandex® involve gymnastic type moves that might qualify you for the Olympic team?
- If you lift your foot straight out to hip height, is part of your thigh still dragging the ground?
- If you trip and fall, is it registered as a seismic event?
- Are your buttocks larger than bowling balls? Are they not as firm?
- Do you take up more than one couch cushion when sitting in your living room?
- When you jump in a swimming pool, is there a tidal wave in Fiji?
- As for Spandex® tops, can you use your bosom as a table?
- Does your bosom turn corners a full second before the rest of you?
- Are your triceps still waving long after your relatives have turned the corner?
Men: If you are not bicycling or engaging in other athletic events, or even if you are, ask yourself, “Why do I want women to see my package? Is it really that impressive? Can they even see it under my belly?” And just so you know, the answer is “No, it really isn’t.” I’m sorry, but someone has to break it to you. But don’t worry, we usually fall in love with you for other reasons.
As a matter of public service, I beg of each and every man and woman to review the above list! If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, please restrict your Spandex® fetish to the privacy of your home! Please get treatment for your Spandex® blindness! Remember, a beautiful world is the responsibility of us all!
Seriously. Please! I beg you!